i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
