no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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