my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
