Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
