Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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