I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
