Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
