You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
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