the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
