Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
