please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
