He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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