those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Well I just put wine in my tea
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
