im six kinds of drunk right now
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
