I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
