Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
