My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
