You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
