I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
