remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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