who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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