i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
