He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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