it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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