My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
