I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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