he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
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OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
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We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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