she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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