i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
