My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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