I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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