Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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