she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
