She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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