There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
