I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
