i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
They took my balls.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
