At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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