there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
