One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
