Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
