I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
And then my night got REAL pukey
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
