my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
