My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
