You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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