I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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