When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
