Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
