I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
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We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
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my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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