after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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