i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
