a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just crazy horny about you
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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