All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
