he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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