Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
