Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
